I never in my life felt comfortable in a bikini. Never!
When I finally lost most of the weight, I went out and bought a few. And because I have the self-esteem of Donald Trump, I think they look amazing.
Who wouldn’t want to hit this?
One of the first times I wore a bikini, I was on a private chartered boat off of Mexico with my parents and family friends.
There was a photographer on the boat.
After snapping a few shots he says to me, “ok now go like this, and cover your belly.“
It was weird. I was maybe a 26 BMI (just slightly overweight), 29 inch waist. The picture above is from the same day. So is this picture:
Yes, I’m standing sideways. But I assure you, my belly isn’t objectively grotesque. Stats:
- My waist = 29 inches (I have a large frame).
- My proportions are 39, 29, 39. I’m 5’2.
- My belly is slightly chubby, but quite flat
- When I jog in a sports bra, people occasionally ask for my number
- I have zero stretch marks/loose skin.
- I feel perfectly comfortable butt ass naked in front of anyone (you can ask my poor rooommate).
Haters is Gonna Hate?
With regards to the photographer’s comment, I’m tempted to say something along the lines of “haters is gonna hate,” or “who drank the haterade?”
But really, this guy is not a hater. He’s just a photographer, and also a product of society. He saw a “flaw” and thought I’d prefer the photograph without it. I don’t blame him, because in all honesty – he’s probably right.
Imagine his experience. He works on this boat everyday, and snaps photos of scantily clad women for a living. How many times a week does he hear comments like this?:
- “omg, my thighs.”
- “Jeez, I really need to go on a diet.”
- “oh god – after this trip I’m not eating for weeks.”
My guess is many..
And when he hears those comments, how often do they come from women who are MUCH thinner than I am? Women who, from the outside, look perfect?
My guess is often. Because bitches are never satisfied. We’re just not capable of it.
I’m not going to lie.
I do want my waist smaller. I really really really do. I want:
- thigh gap; and
- collar bones; and
- bikini bridge.
I also want my backbones to stick out, and I want to fly away if the wind blows too hard. Ideally, I’d like to fit into my own pocket. In sum – I want ALL the messed up things that people with eating disorders want. And so much more.
Do you want raw honesty? When Amy Winehouse was at her thinnest, I look at her and think, wow I want to look like that. May she rest in peace. And may all the girls as fucked up as her (and as fucked up as me) find some comfort in this world.
But unlike many girls, I’m crazy fortunate. Because despite spending my entire life hating my body (and even hating it to this day), I’ve always had a ridiculously high self-confidence. I give incredibly few shits what people think of me. I don’t mind looking like an idiot and/or failing. Perhaps because I admire people who fail and try again.
At an earlier time in my life, I might have been traumatized by the photographer’s comment. But now, I just feel sorry for him.
Because when you feel that people need to fit a certain mold, then you are the one that suffers. And when you ask me to cover my tummy, you end up with a photo like this:
We all want perfect everything, but that isn’t what we have. At least not every day.
When you feel that anyone needs to look a certain way, or be a certain way, you miss out on all the beauty that reality has to offer. Which isn’t to say you shouldn’t work on improving things you want to improve. Just don’t miss the beauty along the way.
I don’t mean to sound cliche, but the beauty really IS in the flaws. And not because the flaws are beautiful, but because overcoming them is beautiful.
And loving yourself in spite of them is beautiful.
So be gentle with yourself. Silly people WILL say stupid things to you, because that’s what silly people do. If you value your sanity you absolutely CANNOT take those things to heart.
Instead, try your best to see things from their limited point of view.
…I’m still working on it 😛
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