I never in my life felt comfortable in a bikini. Never!
When I finally lost most of the weight, I went out and bought a few. And because I have the self-esteem of Donald Trump, I think they look amazing.
Who wouldn’t want to hit this?
One of the first times I wore a bikini, I was on a private chartered boat off of Mexico with my parents and family friends.
There was a photographer on the boat.
After snapping a few shots he says to me, “ok now go like this, and cover your belly.“
It was weird. I was maybe a 26 BMI (just slightly overweight), 29 inch waist. The picture above is from the same day. So is this picture:
Yes, I’m standing sideways. But I assure you, my belly isn’t objectively grotesque. Stats:
- My waist = 29 inches (I have a large frame).
- My proportions are 39, 29, 39. I’m 5’2.
- My belly is slightly chubby, but quite flat
- When I jog in a sports bra, people occasionally ask for my number
- I have zero stretch marks/loose skin.
- I feel perfectly comfortable butt ass naked in front of anyone (you can ask my poor rooommate).
Haters is Gonna Hate?
With regards to the photographer’s comment, I’m tempted to say something along the lines of “haters is gonna hate,” or “who drank the haterade?”
But really, this guy is not a hater. He’s just a photographer, and also a product of society. He saw a “flaw” and thought I’d prefer the photograph without it. I don’t blame him, because in all honesty – he’s probably right.
Imagine his experience. He works on this boat everyday, and snaps photos of scantily clad women for a living. How many times a week does he hear comments like this?:
- “omg, my thighs.”
- “Jeez, I really need to go on a diet.”
- “oh god – after this trip I’m not eating for weeks.”
My guess is many..
And when he hears those comments, how often do they come from women who are MUCH thinner than I am? Women who, from the outside, look perfect?
My guess is often. Because bitches are never satisfied. We’re just not capable of it.
I’m not going to lie.
I do want my waist smaller. I really really really do. I want:
- thigh gap; and
- collar bones; and
- bikini bridge.
I also want my backbones to stick out, and I want to fly away if the wind blows too hard. Ideally, I’d like to fit into my own pocket. In sum – I want ALL the messed up things that people with eating disorders want. And so much more.
Do you want raw honesty? When Amy Winehouse was at her thinnest, I look at her and think, wow I want to look like that. May she rest in peace. And may all the girls as fucked up as her (and as fucked up as me) find some comfort in this world.
But unlike many girls, I’m crazy fortunate. Because despite spending my entire life hating my body (and even hating it to this day), I’ve always had a ridiculously high self-confidence. I give incredibly few shits what people think of me. I don’t mind looking like an idiot and/or failing. Perhaps because I admire people who fail and try again.
At an earlier time in my life, I might have been traumatized by the photographer’s comment. But now, I just feel sorry for him.
Because when you feel that people need to fit a certain mold, then you are the one that suffers. And when you ask me to cover my tummy, you end up with a photo like this:
We all want perfect everything, but that isn’t what we have. At least not every day.
When you feel that anyone needs to look a certain way, or be a certain way, you miss out on all the beauty that reality has to offer. Which isn’t to say you shouldn’t work on improving things you want to improve. Just don’t miss the beauty along the way.
I don’t mean to sound cliche, but the beauty really IS in the flaws. And not because the flaws are beautiful, but because overcoming them is beautiful.
And loving yourself in spite of them is beautiful.
So be gentle with yourself. Silly people WILL say stupid things to you, because that’s what silly people do. If you value your sanity you absolutely CANNOT take those things to heart.
Instead, try your best to see things from their limited point of view.
…I’m still working on it 😛
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Fat Girls Fitness 
I think you are a beautiful person, and it is much more than skin deep. But yes, we already spend so much time obsessing over and hating our bodies based on what societal deems to be beautiful, that we do not need others to help put us down. We are after all our own worst enemies.
I wish we could say more body positive things like the words: strength, power, grace, etc than assigning commentary that points out what are perceived as “flaws” such as thunder thighs, spare tire, etc.
Keep working on being your best self, no matter what size!
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Thanks so much Kris. And right back at you!
I think in general we are trending towards a more healthy and body-positive view as a society, but I think it will take a little bit of time. I think things just got a little bit out of control with our fashion industry and these insane photoshopped standards for girls that we all lost our minds for a little bit.
It seems some sanity is beginning to come back.
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I completely agree
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You look amazing! Don’t believe anyone telling you different. Only thing you could do is take the hair out of the pictures. I so envy you for that beautiful mane!
When someone calls me fat – which I am not – I am beautifully shaped like one of those Rubens women 😉 – I just tell them: I am fat. You are an idiot. I can lose weight. What can you do?
Usually shuts them up.
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The mane is soooo much more trouble than it’s worth!! I promise you that.
And thanks so much 🙂 You’re totally right about that. This guy in particular, I don’t even think he thought about what he was saying. It was such a reflex. Crazy world..
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Great post, and an important message! The moment we let others define our beauty, is the moment we allow complete strangers to lead us around by the nose. Fuck that guy!
I think you’re a beautiful human 🙂 Stay awesome!
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Thank you 😀 😀
Should have thrown him in the ocean when I had the chance!
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I’m just passing through, but I think you’re beautiful.
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Thank you 🙂 And thanks for stopping by.
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You look great! Don’t cover up that belly. (Stupid photographer) I can’t wait until I can get slim down to your size 🙂
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you’re beautiful! i think you look fab in your bikini! xx http://www.tifness.com/
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This is brilliant! Well done you.
J
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Thank you!
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Omg ! I love your sense of humor ! Had me grinning from ear to ear 😁! Can I stalk/follow you 😉?
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hahah thank you 😀 please do!!!
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I don’t think the photographer meant to offend you. But it is hard not to think negatively. For example, when people don’t answer my texts. I get offended. They could be busy, or forgetful, or I am not worthy of their time. I’m reading a book to help with these negative thoughts. I think the idea is to have a mission statement about myself. What my ultimate life goals are and who I ultimately want to be. And to analyze my thoughts and actions and the feelings/emotion and reaction I get when I perceive actions from others that might be interpreted as offensive and respond in a way that aligns with my mission statement, what I want in life, and how I want to feel.
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Thanks for you comment Will – I agree actually that the photographer wasn’t trying to offend me. I think he was just saying the first thought that came to mind, and it was a reaction to many prior experiences.
Yeah – I think it’s important to keep everything in perspective, and that seems to be what your book is getting at also. I try to leave unhelpful thoughts behind and not dwell on them. Obviously, I must have dwelled on this one to some extent since it happened months ago. But in any event, I’m always working on getting better. My main goal is just not to get mad/offended by anything anyone says. Because it’s just not helpful.
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You look great and I hope you reach your goal.
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Thank you John!
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I love the message behind this! So beautiful!
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Thank you so much ❤
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I wish I had your ability to see the different perspectives and be so objective! I think the thing that frustrates me even more about scenarios like this, is that I don’t think that photographer ever would’ve said those words to a man. Why is it that a woman’s beauty/body is just asking for that input while a man’s is not? Ugh. I’m glad I live in an area where I very rarely need a swimsuit 😉
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Thank you for your post! It’s a great reminder to keep on, keeping on, and to push past the judgement!
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This post just showed up in my feed and I have to say I quite enjoyed the reading and think those were great pics. Started following your blog and look forward to more great writing and pics 😉. Have a great one.
José @ lapbandformen.com
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