PX90 Sucks

Some people don’t like the gym because they feel self-conscious there or find the atmosphere less than pleasant. For those people, a home workout seems to be the next best option.

IN THEORY this does sound nice – no one is there to judge you except maybe your pet hamster if he’s feeling particularly elite. BUT – even on the homefront, the excuses can arise. A recent popular trend was the PX90 videos. These videos suck for a number of reasons:

1.     They are unpleasant
2.     Your couch is really not that far from you when you’re working out
3.     Why is this stranger telling me what to do in my own home?
4.     Pushing the “play” button is so easy, yet so hard. Would you rather be watching South Park?
5.     No one is ACTUALLY holding you accountable
6.     Did you do that pushup correctly?
7.     There is probably wine on your coffee table

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Isn’t this so much nicer to look at than a sweaty person barking orders at you?

As a former gym-fearer myself, I get the idea of trying to commit to a crappy workout video instead. Just make sure you are actually keeping up with the commitment.

If you find yourself struggling with this, take time to build small victories in your day to day life to get that esteem up and get you feeling good.

1.     Weather permitting, a walk in the park will advance you to jogs in the park which is likely to even lead to running in the park.  (Pro tip: enjoy this with your dog, not your sassy hamster)
2.     Take the stairs every time  — not the elevator or the escalator
3.     Walk to places you normally drive to
4.     Park your car super far away in the parking lot
5.     Don’t put 84789471874 bags on your arms and cut off your circulation to save yourself the extra trip to bring your stuff into the house
6.     Take your bike out
7.    Ease yourself into workout classes: maybe not XTREME boot camp the first time around, maybe some slow-flow yoga just to get things going. I guarantee that once you start feeling good and collecting gym buddies, your fears will be magically washed away.

Related to numero siete (#7), the most effective way to stay active is to have a buddy and/or support system.

..I bet the PX90 guy doesn’t even know your name and that’s not very encouraging. If he does know your name, you should probably ask him to take you out for a nice (yet healthy!) dinner because I’m sure that guys loaded.

If you can manage to commit to these workout videos, good for you! I wish I had your style. But for the rest of us lacking in motivation, we need to keep at it to find better ways to stay on track.

If staring at the TV is what got us into this mess, it may not be the best way to get us out!

Over and out,

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Get Rid of Your Freaking Clothes

Maintaining a safe distance from your “comfortable” aka “fat” clothes should be treated the same way you’d stay away from the lady clipping her fingernails on the subway: the greater the distance, the better off you are.

I can relate to the need to hang to hang on to your unwanted clothing way beyond its need to exist on your life. This post comes from someone who can justify any purchase through sheer force of imagination.

The thought process goes like this. First you wonder, “How great would this look if I happened to lose 5 pounds while simultaneously finding myself in a casual dining situation in Morocco?” And before you can answer yourself with a resounding, “so great!” You realize that the purchase has already been made.

FullSizeRenderIdentify and destroy bad patterns of behavior. 

It’s time for you to release your cottony victims from your life, closet, or miscellaneous vacuum sealed bag.

Here are a few ways you can convince yourself it’s ok to let go:

• Watch Hoarders
• When you donate your clothes, they go to someone less fortunate and that feels good!
• Curse them with bad luck so you don’t want them anyway
• Wear it to an event where a lot of pictures are taken because god forbid you are twice tagged on social media wearing the same thing to two different events
• Witness a crime in your fat clothes

Clothes swap!

If, due to extreme poverty or a generalized hatred of shopping, you truly feel you have either your fat clothes or plastic bags to choose from – that’s cool.

Start a clothing swap with friends! This is a good way to not only pass on some sweet threads to a deserving peer, but also to have a meeting of the minds.

Those who are further along in their weight loss journey are also passing their motivation on to you. Perhaps your bestie’s pants are only a temporary stop before you step down to another size – free stuff! no commitments! One of my favorite things about pants is that they don’t judge. You can use them as much as you need to and drop them like a hot potato as you continue to drop the amount of hot potatoes you eat.

May your fridges and closets be wisely stocked!

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Don’t Be A Lameass

“‘I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.” – Louis CK

One of the top reasons people say they find themselves eating is because they are bored.

To this I say: the boredom may be a bigger problem than the food.

Ok, first of all, no one should ever allow themselves the opportunity to be bored or boring. Idle time leads to bad habits. Sitting around, snacking, watching too much TV and just a general lack of productivity – which is lame.

Don’t be lame! Be fun! Be un-boring!

Here’s an idea! Find awesome ways to fill your time.

  1. Find projects around the house you’ve been meaning to do
  2. Find a hobby: start a bowling league, paint some more, write some more, learn to do magic tricks (Did you know that people that pull rabbits out of hats tend to be 28% leaner on average than those who do not pursue this hobby #uncitedsource)
  3. Make a list of activities to do and keep adding to it. Even add them to your calendar and invite your friends: ice skating, hiking, going to a museum, going camping, making sculptures out of matchsticks (making and maintaining the list is an activity itself, doing these things are bonus points)
  4. Go for a walk!
  5. Get a tattoo on an area other than your face (plus it’s a great way burn through any money you may have accidentally saved up)
  6. Learn to spell accidentally (hint: it took me a long time to write #5)
  7. Write a manifesto, or at least make a zine
  8. Learn to play the jaw harp
  9. Write some angry Yelp reviews *
  10. Read the comment section on any Insane Clown Posse YouTube videos**While laughter burns calories, these activities are often enjoyed sitting, so not as highly advised, yet still very entertaining and good fodder for small talk at parties.

Stay fun, my friends!

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