Coconut Oil Coffee

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Holy crap. My Cousin Diana is on fire.

Yesterday, I posted a recipe she texted me a little while back – Spaghetti Squash a la Cousin Diana.

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Admittedly, I haven’t tried it yet. But it looks out of control.

Today, she’s back at it. And this time, she’s all about COCONUT OIL COFFEE. 

What???

How to:

  • Black coffee
  • Sweeten to taste (she likes two splenda)
  • 1 – 2 teaspoons coconut oil
  • Blend for a few seconds to allow oil to emulsify

RESULT:  Healthy coconut coffee goodness.

This is life changing.

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Can a Marijuana Diet Help You Lose Weight?

Ok. I’m a bit suspicious of this. Maybe even paranoid 😉

But I suppose I should read the book before judging.

Reblogged from Vuber Vapes:

A new study revealed that weed/ cannabinoids plays an important role in a person’s digestion. Though the “Marijuana Diet” sound’s enticing, it does not however provide positive results without a proper diet.

The Stoners Cookbook revealed the details on how the diet works. It was mention that “The Marijuana Diet” handbook is something most pot smokers can invest on, wherein they gave tips on how the diet works.

Source: Can a Marijuana Diet Help You Lose Weight?

Spaghetti Squash a la Cousin Diana

This recipe arriveth at Fat Girls Fitness via text message from my cousin Diana.

Cousin Diana is a medical doctor!! So you punks better listen up & show her recipe some respect.

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Spaghetti Squash? Or an actual photo of your mammary glands?

You’ll need:

  • one spaghetti squash
  • 2 tbsp olive oil
  • 1 tomato (diced)
  • minced garlic
  • shaved parmesan
  • Optional: 1 or 2 slices provolone cheese

Instructions: 

  1. Find a spaghetti squash. Where? Beats me. My local shithole doesn’t seem to have any.
  2. Once you find that thing, cut in half, length wise. Also, give me a call and tell me where you found it.
  3. Set oven to 450F
  4. Scoop out seeds
  5. Add the following (per side):
    • one tbsp olive oil
    • minced garlic
    • 1/2 diced tomato
    • shaved parmesan
  6. Bake for 60 minutes
  7. Remove from oven, use two forks to shave squash into spaghetti like strands
  8. Optional: cover w/ one slice of provolone cheese & place back into oven for 10 min.
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This is what it looks like covered in sweet sweet provolone 🙂

Full disclosure: I haven’t personally tried this recipe just yet.

It’s not that I don’t love my Cousin Diana (really I do!). It’s just that I’ve had  zero success in finding a spaghetti squash ANYWHERE in this godforsaken town.

In any event, it looks good. Like Leonardo DiCaprio good. And I’m told it’s tasty. Like Beyonce tasty.

So I will try it soon.

..And if it sucks, well I’m sorry. Maybe you shouldn’t believe every recipe you read on the internet.

Happy Squashing.

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Women are the Superior Sex

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Earlier today, I posted about Amelia Earhart.  But on International Women’s Day, one post is never enough.

Because in honor of this special day, I need to come clean: 
I am 100% convinced that Women are the superior sex.

Not equal, but better. And measurably so. Now before you call me a feminist bitch, two points:

  1. It’s not particularly important to me to be a member of the superior sex. I have no dog in this fight. But facts are facts. We’re a little bit better, on average, than dudes.  Dudes, on the other hand, are the absolute worst.
  2. I am not a feminist. REPEAT: I am not a feminist. I just happen to think women are better than men in most ways.

Reasoning:

  1. I hate every man on public transportation.

If you are an XY, and you’re on public transportation, then you probably fall into one of the following categories (and most likely more than one):

  • You smell;
  • You take up too much space;
  • you rap at me; OR
  • you ogle.

On the Problem of Man Spreading

What the fucking fuck? Man spreading has gotten so bad on the NY subway system, that the MTA has spent the past two years campaigning to discourage it.

Let me put it this way. MTA could be spending those funds on oh umm…..AIR CONDITIONING in those sweltering Summer months? Or how about cleaning up urine? (Which come to think of it, is also the fault of men.)

But NO. The MTA can’t waste a single penny solving actual problems. And that’s because men take up such an extraordinary amount of space with their stupid hairy legs that every last penny must be spent just trying to cope with this oddly specific problem.

I will never believe that your most treasured appendage is so overwhelmingly large that you just HAVE to take up three seats. Just close your legs, and assert your dominance elsewhere.

If I were King, all of the subway systems could afford air conditioning because man spreading would be a capital offense.  Chocolate would also be free for everyone.

On rap

I thoroughly enjoy rap music. But I don’t enjoy being rapped at.

…Well actually I kind of do. But in any event, it’s impolite.

I have NEVER been rapped at by a woman. Women don’t rap AT people, they rap WITH people. Because women are not monsters. And men are the devil.

2. Women have better social intelligence.

Which isn’t hard. Because most men have a whopping zero percent.

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Oprah knows.

3. Women see gray areas.

I’ve always suspected that women are better at detecting nuance than men. Men have no idea about this. Probably because they are so incredibly shitty at detecting nuance.

But I’m not the only one who feels this way. Here is a scientific source.

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men understand nothing.

4. Women have all the uteri.

That’s right, fools. All of them.

We can freeze dry your sperm, but just TRY to freeze dry my uterus. It won’t work. And I will send you straight to jail if you even think about it.

5. Men Lose Weight Faster

Admittedly, this one doesn’t make women superior. I’m just including it because it makes me that fucking mad.

Like goddammit guys, the irony of this.  No one even cares if you’re skinny. We mostly just care about how much money you make.

You dudes, on the other hand, care so much. In fact when it comes to attractiveness, you prioritize thinness over any other feature. And it’s not even your fault. You were just born this way. As total baby douchebags.

Zen Moments

Phew. I’m sorry boys. That little rant felt so good.

I guess International Women’s Day doesn’t require man bashing, but hey sometimes these things happen.

And I guess it’s not necessary for one sex to be superior to the other.

…But it just so happens that mine is. #girlpower

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Did I Just Feel Warmth?

I must be mistaken.  Did I just feel the Sun through the window?

According to the actual internet, here is the 10 day forecast for the NYC area:

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You probably have some questions:  

  • Yes, this is an actual screenshot.
  • No, I’m not making this 10 day forecast up for attention. Not after last time…

Attention ladies! This means:

  • Unless you’re a feminist, it’s time to shave your January coat. If you have a January coat, then you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then god bless your hairless soul.
  • …Don’t forget your armpits

Ladies and Gentlemen of NYC Public Transportation:

  • deodorant, while not required, will be greatly appreciated beginning this week

Fat People (myself included): 

  • The Sun has entered our fat miserable lives, and being cold and miserable is no longer a valid excuse to not exercise
  • A gym membership is not necessary in this weather, so your wretched state poverty is also no excuse. Less money = less food.

Now is the Perfect Time to Get into Shape!

Forget January. Now is the BEST time to get into shape.

Why:

  1. You don’t feel cold and miserable, and can thus bear torturing yourself with diet and exercise;
  2. Longer sunlight hours means more time for working out and more energy;
  3. AND YET! The party season is not here yet. So you can cut out booze & snacks for a little while without undue hardship.
  4. Eating salads is somehow much easier in warm weather;
  5. The prospect of looking good and being less sweaty this Summer is so close you can taste it!

WALKS WALKS WALKS

I’ve lost so much of my weight just by walking. And this is perfect walking weather. It’s also perfect hiking weather 😀 😀 😀

Yesterday roomie and I went for a nice evening walk along the Hudson. So what if the walk was to PF Changs and back? Fit Girls need lo mein too.

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Coconut Fried Bananas

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sizzle sizzle

You want fried dessert, but you don’t want to hate yourself.  This takes 4.5 seconds to make, and requires two ingredients.

All you need is:

  1. Two bananas
  2. 2 tbsp of coconut oil

About the bananas: 

  • Pick bananas that are not too ripe. No matter what you do, the bananas will stick to the pan a little bit. The less ripe, the less they’ll stick. Frying them in oil will bring out the natural sweetness in any event.
  • I get my bananas from 7/11, because I’m a scumbag. Don’t be like me. Use better bananas.
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this is what a sad 7/11 banana looks like

About the oil: 

  • I keep my coconut oil in the fridge, which means it’s hard. I let it sit out for a few minutes prior to using.
  • I use Carrington Farm’s 100% organic coconut oil, because that’s what I have. Ideally I would use Trader Joe’s everything. But this works fine.
  • Use plenty of oil. These bananas will stick.

 

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my 2nd favorite coconut oil

What to do:

  1. Slice bananas
  2. Get pan a bit hot, then add 2 tablespoons coconut oil.
  3. When oil is beginning to get hot, add sliced bananas
  4. Cook as needed. 30 seconds – 1 min per side seems to work for me. 
  5. Brag to your roommate about what happened to all of the bananas

 

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How to Eat Half a Bagel

This morning I walked into the office only to be confronted with my greatest nightmare:

Complimentary. Bagels.

At first I stepped around the bagels, cautiously avoiding eye contact with those crusty devils. Fortunately for me, my desk is a long windy path from the kitchen. Unfortunately for me, I had already noticed the generous assortment of shmear.

I needed a small excuse to investigate further. And a small excuse I found.

Despite working a comfortable distance from the bagels, some nameless monster had placed the platter PRECISELY where our horrendous office coffee resides. This coffee is worse than foul; it’s burnt to a crisp. So I knew I was headed into dangerous territory when I found myself suddenly yearning for an innocent cup of absolute sewage.

I approach the kitchen in much the same way a cleaner fish approaches a shark’s mouth. Even before I can see the objects of my desire,  that eu de carbohydrate envelopes me. I immediately hulk out. That sweet perfume is my siren’s call, and some knucklehead forgot to tie me to the ship.

A heavenly hint becomes an olfactory assault. I should mention I work in downtown NY. The bagels here are no joke.

I should have delayed my coffee. I should have held my breath. Maybe I should have skipped work today.

But I had to have one. Or maybe…half! 

The great thing about bagels is this: when it comes to having half a bagel, you have two options.

  1. Cut along the bagel’s horizontal axis, like so:
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conveniently, many free bagels are pre-cut

2. Cut vertically, as follows: 

 

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an alternative option to fit your alternative lifestyle

Half a bagel = half the shmear.
…Or double the shmear, since you’re saving all of those calories.

And in case you’re wondering, the answer is yes. I DID forget all about the coffee.

Whoops! ..Guess I’ll just have to make another run 😉

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