Let’s start with breakfast, where your poor choices begin.
If you see a green bagel, you will eat it. And with your officemates being the monsters that they are, it’s more likely than not that you’re going to see a whole platter of them.
Unfortunately for you, the sin of a bagel is not without karmic repercussions. It’s more than just the calories in the bagel itself. Like all high-glycemic foods, eating a green bagel early in the morning can result in an increased appetite all day.
To avoid this problem, try navigating to your desk with a brown paper bag over your head. As the old saying goes in Ireland, “If one can’t see anything, one can’t see green bagels.”
Or check out my blog post on How to Eat Half a Bagel.
You’re going to drink it. And it’s going to be 150 calories for a bottle…But one bottle won’t be enough for you, will it you drunk bastard?
Knowing you, you’ll probably need at least three to four servings. And that’s why you’ll spend the rest of your life drunk and alone. It’s also the reason for the remaining items on this list.
3. Loss of Inhibition.
Once beer happens, it will trigger a final avalanche of unfortunate choices. And like an actual avalanche, these choices will bury you.
As the night proceeds, you’ll yearn for one of your friends to mention pizza or wings. And if none of your friends takes the bait, you’ll mention it yourself.
Will you have a reasonable portion? Of course not! Because beer.
Here is just one example of a terrible choice you will make.
4. Assorted Green Dessert.
But just because you ate an entire pie of pizza, doesn’t mean your meal is over. Because:
- You don’t hate yourself just yet;
- You’re surrounded by assorted green desserts; and
- You’re drunk
Here are just a few of the half-dozen green desserts you will now inhale:
- Green donuts and/or munchkins
- Green cookies and/or cake
- Green ice cream and/or jello
But I suppose St. Paddy’s is a lucky day after all. Because I’ve just come across an excellent resource to help you lose a touch of that appetite. At least as far as green desserts are concerned.
It’s a photo of me from 2007. I’m making green cupcakes for Valerie’s house party.
I hope Val’s guests enjoy hair.
5. The Hangover.
Fast forward to tomorrow.
Because you’re hungover and full of hair cupcakes, it’s time to:
- Eat more food; and
- Not move all day
Moving hurts, everything sucks, and you vow never to drink again.
Unfortunately for you, St. Paddy’s day falls on Thursday this year. Let the weekend drinking and eating commence.
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