I don’t think I’m alone in hating decisions. They’re hard. They suck up your life energy. Before I make a decision, I feel like my stomach is going to fall through my asshole. Immediately afterwards, I feel like a wet rag and my brain hurts.
I’m working on getting better at making decisions. I’m meditating, thinking, and trying my best to generally chill the fuck out.
But until then, I’ll be making indecisions. Specifically, indecisions of greatness.
Indecisions of greatness happen when you don’t know what the hell you’re doing, but at least you’re doing something that’s good for yourself. Or at least less bad for yourself than something you might otherwise do.
Example 1. I’m stressed about something that comes up with work. I don’t know what to do. Normally, I might procrastinate and eat a delicious bagel filled with all of my favorite things. Today, I’ll procrastinate by going for 10 minute walk.
Why is this good?: I’m still procrastinating, so I suck. But maybe by channeling my procrastination in a slightly better way, I’ll feel slightly better about myself in general, therefore slightly less anxious, and therefore slightly less likely to continue procrastinating. I’ll probably continue to procrastinate, but at least I’ve improved my odds.
Example 2. I don’t know what’s going on with my life, and I’m sad. Sundays in particular make me sad. I really want to light up a bowl and become one with my couch. Instead, I will make an indecision of greatness. Maybe I’ll still light up a bowl, but I’ll tune into a Continuing Legal Education course instead of succumbing to another season of Hoarders. And maybe I’ll take notes. And maybe I won’t light up that bowl after all.
Why is this good?: I’m still self-medicating and sloppy, but at least I’m not watching Hoarders. I’ll become a better lawyer (and arguably BETTER at being lazy). Maybe that course will help me get better at helping someone else someday. Maybe I’ll forget the whole thing. But if I’m using my sloppy Sunday for even .001% self-improvement, I’m making an indecision of greatness. And that is OK.
Indecisions are not good. But indecisions of greatness are better than indecisions of sorrow. They might not be a step forward, but at least they are not a step backward.
You can’t always be on the ball. Because the ball is round, legs are not good at standing on balls, and learning balance takes practice.
Fat Girls Fitness 
Hi. Interesting thoughts you reflect on here.
Some things I noticed in brief. It seems that comments are rather consistently negative in general and also in relation to your own person.
You use words and phrases like suck, wet rag, brain hurts, less bad, less anxious, and even “I suck”. You speak of being indecisive and ‘sloppy’.
I wonder if there was someone in your life who treated you poorly or an older family member who modelled negativity rather than positive nurturing? If so, this is no reason for you yourself to refuse to acknowledge your wonderfulness!
You may not be a spiritual person, but I am a believer in the one true God and He tells me that I am ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’. I believe this as a basic tenet in my life. No one takes it from me, nor to I refuse it myself. I am uniquely special! I love this.
I do get the general ideal and direction of your post. Its very good! It leads me to see many good and happy things about you in general. 🙂 Smart, sophisticated, talented, thoughtful, self aware and hungry to live life.
Perhaps if you might consider trying something? Replace some of the ‘less positive’ phrases with positive and uplifting words that nurture and support your soul. Focus on the ‘actions’ you prefer to change and how they will help you do so. Embrace trial and error as normal and natural in the process of change. Try and separate these two ideals of you versus your actions.
You will always try. And your actions will sometimes fall short, especially at first. This is quite normal and is actually very positive and helpful. It is why we writers are constantly revising, right?
An exercise:
Close your eyes and imagine your inner self as a bright flame. Now, imagine negative words and actions as water falling lightly. Try and envision positive thoughts, word and phrases which build a shelter over the flame. You can protect your flame and keep it burning bright and clean with this shelter. It keeps not only you lit and warm, but others around you begin to benefit from its light and warmth as well.
Please remember that we are beautiful, valuable and amazing creatures! While are ‘actions’ may be less than desirable, they don’t make “US” any less valuable and amazing!
Thank you for listening and I apologize in advance if I took too many chances with this reply. You seem like a person who one could take some risks with though.
Best of luck in all of your endeavors!
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I think in writing this post you exhibited mostly POSITIVITY (and enuff “negs” to put it all in perspective). and BTW, the “1 troo gawd” (which is just a label, as 1 cannot begin to describe the attributes or characteristics and especially LABEL the overlying underall-enmeshing infinitudal tao-ness of “everything”) believes in me — & She just croozes along in all and yet no dye-wreckshuns …
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