“Eat dark chocolate,” they say.
“It has health benefits,” they say.
But who are these foolbags anyway? And what do they know about my most sensual desires?
Because I DON’T WANT dark chocolate, goddamit. I want milk chocolate. Sweet, crappy, sugary, milk chocolate.
Can’t I have just a little bit?
Must everything I ingest have health value?
Milk Chocolate for Mental Health
For the past two years, I eat at least one milk chocolate truffle every day. I believe it was my roommate (and fellow contributor) Valerie who first commented on my truffle habit. She said eating truffles was “very European” of me.
But I don’t have TIME for Europeans. That’s because I’m too busy eating all of the milk chocolates in the land. Milk chocolate makes me dance and sing. It’s what separates me from animals.
What kind of monster would try to keep me from my chocolate? Who dares deny me one tiny little godforsaken truffle? One is never too much. There’s always room for it. Stop trying to take my small happiness away.
I am not sponsored by Lindt Chocolates (if only!).
But I DO prefer Lindt Truffles for two reasons:
- 7/11 sells them individually, so I NEVER keep chocolate in the apartment; and
- They’re good. But they’re not tooooooooooo good. Translation = I can stop eating them (Unlike Twix, M&M’s, Snickers or pretty much any other candy bar.)
Embrace Your Pleasures
Everyone has their guilty pleasures, and I am a strong believer in embracing mine.
Life really is short. And it sucks to deny yourself chocolate over and over again when the reality is that you could be eating some of that chocolate. EVERY DAY.
No – I don’t want to be a fatass. But if and when my time should come, I think I’ll smile at the thought of all the chocolate truffles that I allowed into my life. And then maybe, just maybe, I’ll flash my middle finger at the universe just one last time. As if to say unto the Lord himself, “Fuck you, man. I ate ALL the truffles. And I lost weight anyway.”
(I’m kidding, God. Please don’t kill me.)
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