How to Eat Half a Bagel

This morning I walked into the office only to be confronted with my greatest nightmare:

Complimentary. Bagels.

At first I stepped around the bagels, cautiously avoiding eye contact with those crusty devils. Fortunately for me, my desk is a long windy path from the kitchen. Unfortunately for me, I had already noticed the generous assortment of shmear.

I needed a small excuse to investigate further. And a small excuse I found.

Despite working a comfortable distance from the bagels, some nameless monster had placed the platter PRECISELY where our horrendous office coffee resides. This coffee is worse than foul; it’s burnt to a crisp. So I knew I was headed into dangerous territory when I found myself suddenly yearning for an innocent cup of absolute sewage.

I approach the kitchen in much the same way a cleaner fish approaches a shark’s mouth. Even before I can see the objects of my desire,  that eu de carbohydrate envelopes me. I immediately hulk out. That sweet perfume is my siren’s call, and some knucklehead forgot to tie me to the ship.

A heavenly hint becomes an olfactory assault. I should mention I work in downtown NY. The bagels here are no joke.

I should have delayed my coffee. I should have held my breath. Maybe I should have skipped work today.

But I had to have one. Or maybe…half! 

The great thing about bagels is this: when it comes to having half a bagel, you have two options.

  1. Cut along the bagel’s horizontal axis, like so:
VC127413l.jpg
conveniently, many free bagels are pre-cut

2. Cut vertically, as follows: 

 

half-a-bagle.jpg
an alternative option to fit your alternative lifestyle

Half a bagel = half the shmear.
…Or double the shmear, since you’re saving all of those calories.

And in case you’re wondering, the answer is yes. I DID forget all about the coffee.

Whoops! ..Guess I’ll just have to make another run 😉

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