Fat Girls Fitness

Before and After

Oh jeez…this is one I REALLY don’t want to share.

Since we started Fat Girls Fitness a few months back, I’ve been looking for a good “before” photo of me at my heaviest.

The problem is I avoided cameras at the time soooo…. I had to do a bit of searching. And even so, I’m not sure this reflects my fattest moment of all. But I suppose it’s awful enough.

Height: 5’2”

Before: August, 2013 190 ish pounds? (this is a guess)
After: January, 2016. 137 pounds

Thoughts:

My triangle arms are on point, regardless of the fact that I clearly ate a semi-trailer.
In my first picture, I am 25 years old. It’s incredibly sad to think that’s how I spent my 25th year. I should have been having fun and partying. Instead, I was having fun and partying, but I was also extremely depressed, sweaty, and uncomfortable.

While I feel happy that the weight is gone, I can’t help but look at this with a whole lot of sadness. Apparently I was too busy dining on small villages to care about my own happiness and well-being, and that pisses me off. At myself.

I find it extremely hard to forgive myself, and I’m not sure I ever will.

But – in any event, if I can do it, you can do it. …Because really I don’t have any special iron will or skills. I’m just a regular fatass who got tired of being a fatass and said “enough.” And you are not alone.

At times it was tough, but it would have been so much tougher to continue down that road.

It seems like a long journey, but the only thing you need to do today is take the first step. And there is no long term goal. You don’t have to get skinny. You just need to be better today than you were yesterday.

PLEASE, I AM BEGGING YOU!! Don’t put yourself on hold for as long as I did.

You can do it 🙂

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Deprivation Works. And Doesn’t.

Of course deprivation works!

What does it mean to lose fat? It means to burn fat because:

you are starving to death, and
you are not giving your body enough fuel to do the functions it needs to do

If you ARE getting enough fuel, then you’re NOT going to burn fat. There’s no magic. You’re just NOT going to burn fat without depriving your body of what it needs – fuel.

..And that’s why losing weight feels shitty. No matter how you do it.

You can lose weight:

Slowly, by eating SLIGHTLY LESS than you need over a long period of time;
Quickly, by eating FAR LESS than you need over a shorter period of time; and/or
*Optional* by increasing your need for fuel by increasing your energy output (exercise) [slowly or quickly]

You can also:

Set yourself up for success by understanding habit formation;
Set yourself up for success by removing addictive foods from your diet and life (at least for a short period);
Set yourself up for success by understanding how willpower and motivation actually work.
Set yourself up for success by understanding the basics of appetite, and also becoming mindful of your appetite.
Set yourself up for success by understanding the basics of metabolism

Deprivation works to lose weight, NOT to maintain it.

I CAN’T lose weight slowly. Healthy or not healthy – I just can’t do it. I spent 20+ years trying. I can’t deprive myself ‘slightly’ day after day for months, hoping to lose 1-2 pounds per week. I can’t continue to eat a diet of processed foods, while counting calories. It just doesn’t work for me. I can’t do it, and I won’t do it.

I CAN lose weight quickly through “RESPONSIBLE Deprivation.” Here is what I CAN do:

lose weight (relatively) quickly in spurts, and *IMPORTANTLY* punctuate these periods with periods of maintenance.
use methods like intermittent fasting to lose weight
cut out processed foods that I find addicting for long periods of time during weight loss periods

I CAN’T maintain my weight through responsible deprivation. I CAN’T maintain my weight through:

counting calories,
cutting out food groups, and/or
dieting.

To me, that’s not a life – it’s too much deprivation. In the end, too much deprivation will cause me to gain weight. To maintain my weight – I eat a mostly whole foods diet. Here is how I eat. My weight maintains itself:

mostly plants, most days (including starchy plants)
mostly whole foods, as little processed food as possible
watch my alcohol intake
never eat unless I’m hungry
lot’s of soups and salads

We need to separate “weight loss” from “maintenance.”

Weight loss is hard! Somewhere along the line, something got messed up and now you need to fix it. The only way to do that is by giving your body less fuel than it needs. And that’s fucking hard! Your body thinks it’s dying. So it’s best not to gain weight in the first place! (duh!).

..but once you do find yourself in a position where you need to lose weight, then forget the weight loss myths. Lose weight however you can, and forget the lies. Just be careful of the following:

don’t give yourself nutritional deficiencies
don’t give yourself electrolyte imbalances
don’t physically exert yourself while suddenly eating less
listen to your body

Weight maintenance should NOT be hard!

Why? Because if weight maintenance is hard, you’ll gain the weight back. You can’t deprive yourself forever. You can only do it for short periods.

If maintaining weight is hard, that means you’re eating the wrong things. What are “wrong things”? “Wrong things” = foods meant to addict you aka processed foods.

Being Fit in an Unfit World

This post is largely an oversimplification.

But my point is this: many of the things you hear about weight loss are myths and fantasies.

Losing weight quickly, for example, doesn’t make you any more likely to gain it back. In fact, there are studies that show otherwise.
Skipping meals is not a bad thing for most people, in fact – it might be a great thing.

When it comes to weight loss, do whatever you CAN do. Because weight loss is hard, and you need to fight this uphill battle in whatever way works for you. Just be careful not to hurt yourself, and be smart.

And once you lose weight, be mindful! You can’t deprive yourself forever, so you need a system for success.

My system is sticking (mostly) to foods that human beings are suppose to eat. This means avoiding things that come out of boxes, but enjoying these things in moderation to whatever extent I find reasonable.

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The Only Bread I Eat

Ok, not true. To be perfectly honest, I eat many breads.

But I do have a favorite: Trader Joe’s 100% Rye Bread. Here is a photo of my lovely:

On Taste

I can’t say that TJ’s 100% Rye is my absolute favorite by taste.

..Which isn’t to say it tastes anything other than wonderful. It’s just that bread is a tough category to compete in.

Bread is so damn good. I just want to eat all the bread in the world and then regurgitate it back up and then eat it all again. I want to spend 95% of my life eating bread, and the remaining 5% writing about eating bread. I want to marry a Channing Tatum shaped loaf of bread, and then I want to cheat on it with a hot steamy loaf of that impossibly delicious Honey Wheat Bushman from Outback Steakhouse.

You know what I’m talking about…

Why TJ’s Rye is the Overall Winner

Clearly, I have bread issues. In general, if I start, I can’t stop. I also cannot keep ANY simple carbohydrates in the apartment, because I will eat all of them.

Yet – somehow, I find TJ’s 100% Rye to be PERFECT for my needs.

It gives me the carbohydrates I need to not die of sadness; AND YET…
I can stop eating it when I want to.

…I think that’s because unlike many commercial breads, it’s not designed specifically to addict you. Evidence?

…the short ingredients list.

Unlike most commercial breads, TJ’s Rye contains zero percent crack.

So even though TJ’s Rye isn’t #1 in taste, it’s number 1 in my heart. More reasons:

The taste IS very good (but see pro-tips below)
It’s PERFECT for avocado toast (See recipe: “Avocado Toast on Fleek“)
High Satiety Factor
- 100 calories
- 3 grams fiber
- 3 grams protein
It has NO artificial colors or preservatives
It keeps well in the freezer

Pro-tips:

This bread tastes a bit weird unless toasted. I toast it on a pan, either:
- uncoated; or
- lightly coated with non-stick Coconut Oil spray
This bread can be EXTREMELY crumbly, especially when not toasted.
In general, I’ve found that breads from Trader Joe’s have fewer (or different) preservatives than your standards breads. Meaning, they will go bad more quickly than most.
- Keep it in the fridge or freezer
- Note: I haven’t had this specific problem with this specific bread, so maybe it’s fine. I have had other breads from TJ’s go bad VERY quickly.

If you have bread issues like I do, then give it a try. It might be a decent bread that you can eat regularly without gorging yourself.

If you don’t have a Trader Joe‘s near you, but you have another bread you recommend for these same reasons – share the wealth!

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On Nutrition and Your Job Hunt

When I am not busy pretending to be a health and fitness expert, I am working my day job of being a recruiter. I hope, in some way, that one day I can measure the amount of calories I have burned through the constant meet-and-greet of all kinds of humans every single day of my life. While I am busy calculating that painful number, I’d like to share with you all some tips how how nutrition can affect your ability to interview well for a job.

Let’s start with the obvious, when you are face-to-face in a small room with someone else, particularly a recruiter, who (sort of) has your career in the palm of their hands, it’s important to remember to avoid eating anything heavy in garlic or onions of up to 24 hours beforehand. Even if you practiced proper dental hygiene prior to the interview, the essence of garlic and onions is released out of your skin for the next day or so. Don’t make people touch your sweaty onion hands.

Now some other obvious and lesser obvious choices:

Good Idea: Omega 3 (salmon, eggs, kale)

Why? It makes you think better in your toes!

Bad idea: Carb overload

Why? They can make you sleepy

Good Idea: Vitamin B (Eggs, broccoli, spinach, meat)

Why? They make you feel better about yourself and give you energy (no one wants to hire a depressed person with sloth-like qualities)

Bad idea: Coffee

Why? It gives you the jitters (which you will probably already have) and it also can cause bad breath and dry mouth. Just try to get a good nights rest before an interview instead!

Go get em,

A Diet Pill State of Mind

Between the ages of 12 and 16, my friends and I use to hunt down 18 year old boys in the mall. And not because we wanted their AOL screen names. We needed someone with I.D. to buy us diet pills.

I suppose eighteen year old boys like prepubescent girls, because we scored plenty of pills. In all fairness, I got my first period by age 10, so by 13, I easily looked 45.

me, aged 13

..Those poor chumps probably thought they were helping out some nice MILF or widow.

Specifically, I recall:

Stackers;
Stacker II’s; and
Slim Quick (aka “slim death.”)

The ingredient I sought most = ephedra. Especially when stacked with caffeine.

Even at that age, we knew that most diet pills were BS. We had experience, and we had the beginnings of the internet.

“No snake oil pills for me, my friend. I have dial-up.”

Stacker II (with ephedra) was my jam. It was the only real pill. You could tell by the involuntary hand tremors and headaches. And also by how quickly it was pulled of the market.

…No worries – you could still score travel size bottles of the original formula at unscrupulous news stands for about a year after it was pulled.

At some point during this time…

I’m in the car with my mom on a warm Spring day. We’re driving past the recreation center, and I’m telling her about these new chips I bought at CVS. They’re called Lays WOW! Chips and they have so few calories that I’ll probably eat a few bags.

Mom tries one. They DO taste good. “Can you get me these if you see them at Sam’s Club?” I ask.

Lays Wow! Chips contained a magical ingredient called Olestra (aka Olean). Olestra is a fat substitute that adds zero calories to foods. Zero ! ZERO !!!!!!

90’s Kids – do you remember these chips?

You might recognize them from the warning on the bag..

In exchange for zero calories, Olestra blocks essential vitamins and minerals from entering you. Essentially, eating these chips will give you malabsorption.

For optimists, this is excellent news. Why wait 30+ years to develop IBS, Chrohns, or bowel cancer? ..You can experience painful bloody stool within hours, no strings attached. In related news, here are Lays Wow! Chips topping off a list of Five Foods that Cause Anal Leakage. Arguably, this is not a list that any major food product should aspire to…

Let’s not miss the silver linings here. Low calories = good. Fatty taste = awesome. And while anal leakage sucks, it might contribute to even more weight loss!

A Diet Pill State of Mind

Why have I shared these two anecdotes together in one post?

Well, riddle me this…

..In the epic quest for weight loss, does it really MATTER whether you rely on death pills as opposed to POTATO CHIPS THAT OPENLY MAKE YOUR ASS BLEED?!

Really, these two stories are the same. They illustrate the 26 years I spent searching for a magical weight loss solution. And yet all of that time, beautiful, delicious, colorful whole foods were right under my nose.

The Diet Pill Mindset

These stories reflect what I call the “Diet Pill State of Mind.”
..And in my experience, it’s not a helpful mindset to have.

Does this mean that you absolutely MUST take a 100% whole foods based approach to weight loss? No! …It doesn’t mean anything.

I think you can lose weight fast, OR you can lose weight slow. You can lose weight:

doing paleo
doing weight watchers
drinking slim fast shakes
eating nothing but pickles
drinking your own urine
doing isogenix
eating nothing but three pretzels all day long for 17 days straight

I don’t know what the right thing is for you. Because:

I don’t know where you are starting,
I don’t know HOW you became overweight in the first place; AND
I don’t know what your goals are

I also believe that weight loss is very different from weight maintenance.

When it comes to weight loss, I say do what works for you. Who cares how crazy or stupid it is, provided that:

it doesn’t give you nutritional deficiencies; and
it doesn’t give you an electrolyte imbalance ; and
it doesn’t kill you

BUT! When it comes to maintenance, you MUST get onto whole foods. You can’t waste your beautiful life dieting. You need to (mostly) eat foods that come from the earth.

Another Thing I know

As you can see, I don’t know much. But what I DO know is this: a diet pill state of mind was NOT helpful for me.

..I needed to get on to whole foods in order to experience what I believe humans beings are meant to experience when it comes to food and satiety.

Slowly ridding myself of processed foods was the ONLY thing that worked for me. And I hope you find what works for you.

Here are a few articles that might help:

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Feeding Herman Canine

Just as I’m suspicious of processed foods for humans, I am (almost) equally concerned about what I feed my doggie.

This isn’t to say I’m a complete crazy person. Yet.
But I am crazy enough that I regularly cook for my dog. #yikes

Here are my three concerns:

Nutrition. What nutrition does the dog food contain?
- Some commercial dog food is messed up. And by messed up, I mean messed up beyond belief.
Health Concerns. My dog is tiny, and tiny dogs are prone to three issues specifically:
- weight gain;
- knee problems;
- anal gland problems
Supporting Animal Cruelty. If you think about the cruelty that goes into making human food, I can only IMAGINE the cruelty that goes into making dog food. I want to vote with my wallet. To whatever extent reasonably possible, I’d like to avoid supporting cruel practices.

A Resource!

DogFoodAdvisor.com is an excellent resource. They use a 1-5 star rating system to help you find the ideal food for your dog.

Whether your dog eats Wet Food, Dry Food, or Raw Food – you can easily find the top rated products. You can also use the search feature to look for more details on a specific food.

It’s very simple. Each category of food is broken down according to the site’s rating:

What I LOVE about this site is the level of specificity that they apply to each analysis.

Their database is EXHAUSTIVE
They examine each and every ingredient of a given product
But they also offer a bottom line w/ regards to each product so that you don’t get bogged down in the details
They offer levels of confidence with regards to statements they make about the safety and/or nutrition of any particular ingredient
They even show a recall history for the brand you’re looking at

One of the foods I regularly feed Herman is Primal Freeze-Dried Raw Food. Here is just a small part of their analysis on this product:

More to Learn

Just as there is more to learn about human nutrition, there is also more to learn about the perfect doggy diet.

That said, we probably know what a perfect doggy diet ISN’T. It’s not a diet full of processed junk and filler.

Some dog foods can be prohibitively expensive, so we can only do the best we can. But this is great resource to figure out where to get started.

How does your dog food stack up?

*EDIT* If anyone knows of a similar resource for cats (or other pets), please share the wealth. I’ve just found BestCatFoodAdvisor.net, but I don’t have any personal experience with it.

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Be a Robot/Fail Forward

“Failure isn’t a badge of shame. It’s a rite of passage”

– Tony Hseih, co-founder Zappos

One hashtag I check regularly on the WordPress Reader is “diet.” I’ll usually find a variety of posts ranging from informational to motivational to interesting to just plain silly.

There’s one type of post I find EVERY time. I call it the “wah wah failure post.” It goes something like this:

“Dear Internet:

Wah wah wah. I’ve only been on my diet six days, and already I’ve caved and eaten seventeen hamburgers smothered in cheese, marshmallows, and gravy.

I knew from the beginning that I was a fat stupid failure, and now once again I’m reminded of what a stupid fat failure I am.

Well, I figure if I already ruined this diet, might as well enjoy the weekend. It is Easter after all! I guess I’ll start again Monday.

It’s hard staying motivated with this slow metabolism. So unfair! Especially since my sister eats anything she wants and stays rail thin. #ughhhh”

Stop Expecting Not To Fail

Why do people expect that they will declare themselves on a diet, and from that day forward – they will never fail?

In the whole of human history, no person has ever achieved ANYTHING without failing at it first. And no, I’m not talking about large or notable accomplishments. I’m talking about the basics. For example, tying your shoe.

How many times did you mess up tying your shoe before you finally got it right? Three times? Seven times? One hundred and three times?

You failed a lot at first. And then you got a little better. But, although passable, your knot was still probably not great for some time. Finally, you became a shoe tying expert. And once you did – you forgot how hard it was to get there. And then some bastard came along and invented velcro shoes. You become a nihilist. After all, what’s the point?

Basically, we are born with three abilities: suckle, breathe, defecate. Everything else we need to learn.

Our bodies are basically sensors and processors. We act then measure then act then measure until we get an action down decently enough to call it “not a failure.” And we still probably suck at it. We have to fail more and get even better.

And Yet…

And yet, when you go on a diet – you expect that you’re going to magically summon some untapped reserve of willpower and never fail.

The foolishness is TRIPLE here, because:

If your willpower were excellent, you prrroooobably wouldn’t find yourself in this current predicament (not that I believe in willpower, see my post here); AND
Your body doesn’t WANT to lose weight. It wants sweet sweet homeostasis.

When you tie your shoe, your shoe isn’t fighting you at every step.

Or is it?

..But when you diet, your body IS fighting you. And it wants to win badly.

That’s because your poor hot body thinks it’s dying. And you’re the sick nut who’s killing it. “Why won’t you feed me?” asks your poor hot body. But it only hears its own echo.

When you fight your body, you’ll win sometimes. But you won’t win every time. No big deal. You don’t have to.

You just need to fail forward.

You ARE going to fail. You will. So you need to fail forward.

Failing forward means taking accountability for your failure. Which is VERY different from making yourself feel guilty about it.

Be an alien robot from another galaxy. Don’t color your failure with emotions that don’t serve you. Instead, examine your failure with the disinterested mind of a curious yet mechanical being, programmed by a wizard lightyears away in a galaxy called “Disintrestrex Four.”

What are the FACTS behind your failure? Separate them out from the story you weaved yourself.

Robots don’t care about stories. They have no idea about your childhood or your mean aunt Mae or your white privilege or all of those terrible things your third grade teacher said to you when you accidentally killed the class pet.

Robots only care about the root cause of your malfunction. They need to compile an error report to send back to the mothership, and they don’t want your humanoid opinion. They want facts.

Why do you fail?

I never fail, because I’m an exemplary person. Wink wink.

..But if I ever WERE to fail (WINK WINK), it might be because:

I didn’t get enough sleep
I ate a carby breakfast
I drank a tub full of alcohol
I kept tempting foods in the house (ahem…girl scout cookies)

Knowing this list keeps me in the habit of making good decisions. And that’s enough.

You don’t need to be an angel like me to look and feel hot as Satan himself. You just need to make a lot more good choices than bad ones.

So know yourself! And know thyself! Even if those both mean the same exact thing.

Know why you fail, and how you fail.
Know that it’s ALL YOUR FAULT. And yet, know also that you’re not at all to blame. Losing weight is hard! Food is good. And your body is fighting you.

Finally, fail forward!!!

Leverage your failures to learn more about yourself.
Use this knowledge to improve and refine your efforts.

How can YOU use YOUR last “failure” to improve your odds of success?

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Reading with Your Ears

Books are such a gift. Aside from that chocolate crispy layer of an ice cream cake, there is NOTHING better on this planet than listening to a great book while going for a nice walk.

It doesn’t hurt that this is my view:

Screenshot 2016-03-20 13.23.22.png

Audiobooks and Podcasts

Audiobooks and podcasts are FANTASTIC tools when it comes to achieving your fitness goals. This is especially true if you’re not the biggest fan of exercise. For more details on why, check out my post on Temptation Bundling and also my Serial Challenge for Gym Haters.

You don’t have to suffer while you exercise. If you keep a healthy diet, a nice walk with a book is just fine to keep you in shape.

Additional benefits:

For awkward people – You’ll always have new things to talk about
For premature geriatrics – Music is loud
For people who hate exercise – A compelling book means a 30 minute walk becomes two hours
For people who want to impress other people – Your friends will wonder how you got so fit AND so smart

Pro-Tips

Pro-tip: If you’re buying from Audible.com, listen to a sample first. Make sure you like the narration.

Pro-pro-tip: Audiobooks are expensive. Many local libraries provide free remote access to a wide variety of audiobooks. Call your library to find out if they offer this service.

Here is my audio-reading list from the past few months:

“Bold” by Peter Diamandis and Steven Kotler
“The Omnivore’s Dilemma” by Michael Pollan
“In Defense of Food” by Michael Pollan
“Go Wild” by John Ratey & David Perlmutter
“Thinking in Pictures” by Temple Grandin
“The Autistic Brain” by Temple Grandin

I highly recommend any of the books from this list. I especially enjoyed the Temple Grandin books.

If you have any recommendations, I’d love to hear. My preference is non-fiction, but I’m open.

And now, for my walk 🙂

Happy “reading”!

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The A4 Challenge

If you’re heavy into fitness and/or beauty blogs, you’ve probably heard about the A4 challenge.

Like many disturbing selfie trends, it started in China – land of the once bound feet!

Marie Clare calls it a “disturbing new fitness trend pressurising girls worldwide into extreme weight loss.” I call it inevitable. I also admire Marie Clare’s use of the word “pressurising.”

Of course, the challenge has a hashtag: #A4Waist

“The tiny waist has a long tradition in China, going back at least to King Ling of Chu, who ruled from 540 to 529 B.C. Many in China know the passage from the Book of Han, the history of the Western Han dynasty: “The King of Chu loved a narrow waist. Many people at court starved to death.” – The New York Times

The premise is this:

Step one: Take a selfie standing behind a single sheet of A4 sized paper, held vertically.
Step two: If the paper is bigger than your waist, you win. If not, shame on you!

Yikes! this means my worth = zero cents

But wait! I almost make it sideways!

What I Find Interesting

Most of the articles/bloggers covering this topic seem to have a derisive tone, as if to:

blame the girls who are doing this challenge; or
express loathing and hatred towards the challenge itself

“Whatever,” I say! “Don’t blame the messengers. Or at least don’t be too harsh on them.”

Humans are only humans. They do what they can for attention. This goes double for young girls who KNOW (based on the sad reality) that a foolproof way to get power is to physically embody the ideal woman.

Challenges like these only reflect what’s already there. And sure, they amplify it too.

There are all sorts of reasons why we value thinness, especially when it comes to the waist. The reasons are rooted in biology, and then (like many traits) are fetishized in culture. What is “culture” anyway if not the fetishization of all things?

Instead of blaming the messengers, or suppressing the message, let’s try to understand it. And then let’s try to modify it, gently.

Why We Value a Thin Waist

Blah blah blah. I’m so sick of hearing about all the reasons why the patriarchy is destroying the world.

Blame biology! A preference for a thin waist is rooted in our DNA.

It connotes youth and virginity.
It might also indicate child-bearing hips.

Things that indicate youth, virginity, and a sizable birth canal are attractive. Sorry, it’s just true. If your goal is to impregnate someone with your man seed, it’s kind of a drag if they’re already pregnant or if they die during childbirth. So we look to cues. We’re just human.

But there’s more! Blame the fashion industry. Ok, but a thin waist is not necessarily an A4 waist. So what’s going on?

Enter the FETISH aspect. If a little bit of a good thing is a good thing, then a lot of a good thing must be a great thing. Right? …Well – probably not as far as health outcomes are concerned. But certainly as far as sales are concerned.

Think about it. Your job is to hire a model. Good looking people have power. Insanely great looking people have more power. And insanely great looking people are just good looking people whose good features are exaggerated. Often beyond the point of a healthy balance.

So, are you going to hire the good looking person? Or the insanely great looking person?

I suppose the real question is – how many purses/lipsticks/panties do you want to sell?

“Fetishization” describes this race to the bottom. Everyone wants to get closer to the ideal, but no one is alone in this world. As you get closer, someone else gets even closer. There is always someone with a smaller waist than you.

If you want to sell the most things, have the most boyfriends, or get the most IG likes – then you need to have the smallest waist of all.

..At some point, the year 2016 comes around. Inevitably, some random person in China decides your waist needs to be the size of a sheet of paper. Awesome China, thanks a lot. But why couldn’t you have thought of this BEFORE inventing lo mein?

In any event – all of this because we like to take biological shortcuts. Even when it comes to strangers from the internet.

The strangers who follow your Instagram? They are JUST DYING for more information about your fertility than they can possibly know just by seeing your photo. Aren’t people the weirdest?

A Compromise

Maybe the A4 challenge reflects a compromise. Perhaps a spontaneous social compact?

Maybe what the A4 challenge really says is “I’m hungry!! So let’s all agree – A4 is small enough. Can we please stop competing now?”

But I doubt that. Some other crazy challenge is coming soon. It’s only human nature.

…Perhaps the “Post-It Note Challenge?”

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Cover Your Belly

I never in my life felt comfortable in a bikini. Never!

When I finally lost most of the weight, I went out and bought a few. And because I have the self-esteem of Donald Trump, I think they look amazing.

Who wouldn’t want to hit this?

One of the first times I wore a bikini, I was on a private chartered boat off of Mexico with my parents and family friends.

2015-12-31 10.32.40.jpg — it was awesome!

There was a photographer on the boat.

After snapping a few shots he says to me, “ok now go like this, and cover your belly.“

It was weird. I was maybe a 26 BMI (just slightly overweight), 29 inch waist. The picture above is from the same day. So is this picture:

2015-12-29 07.26.41.jpg — my apologies for the lack of fashion

Yes, I’m standing sideways. But I assure you, my belly isn’t objectively grotesque. Stats:

My waist = 29 inches (I have a large frame).
My proportions are 39, 29, 39. I’m 5’2.
My belly is slightly chubby, but quite flat
When I jog in a sports bra, people occasionally ask for my number
I have zero stretch marks/loose skin.
I feel perfectly comfortable butt ass naked in front of anyone (you can ask my poor rooommate).

Haters is Gonna Hate?

With regards to the photographer’s comment, I’m tempted to say something along the lines of “haters is gonna hate,” or “who drank the haterade?”

But really, this guy is not a hater. He’s just a photographer, and also a product of society. He saw a “flaw” and thought I’d prefer the photograph without it. I don’t blame him, because in all honesty – he’s probably right.

Imagine his experience. He works on this boat everyday, and snaps photos of scantily clad women for a living. How many times a week does he hear comments like this?:

“omg, my thighs.”
“Jeez, I really need to go on a diet.”
“oh god – after this trip I’m not eating for weeks.”

My guess is many..

And when he hears those comments, how often do they come from women who are MUCH thinner than I am? Women who, from the outside, look perfect?

My guess is often. Because bitches are never satisfied. We’re just not capable of it.

I’m not going to lie.

I do want my waist smaller. I really really really do. I want:

thigh gap; and
collar bones; and
bikini bridge.

I also want my backbones to stick out, and I want to fly away if the wind blows too hard. Ideally, I’d like to fit into my own pocket. In sum – I want ALL the messed up things that people with eating disorders want. And so much more.

Do you want raw honesty? When Amy Winehouse was at her thinnest, I look at her and think, wow I want to look like that. May she rest in peace. And may all the girls as fucked up as her (and as fucked up as me) find some comfort in this world.

But unlike many girls, I’m crazy fortunate. Because despite spending my entire life hating my body (and even hating it to this day), I’ve always had a ridiculously high self-confidence. I give incredibly few shits what people think of me. I don’t mind looking like an idiot and/or failing. Perhaps because I admire people who fail and try again.

At an earlier time in my life, I might have been traumatized by the photographer’s comment. But now, I just feel sorry for him.

Because when you feel that people need to fit a certain mold, then you are the one that suffers. And when you ask me to cover my tummy, you end up with a photo like this:

We all want perfect everything, but that isn’t what we have. At least not every day.

When you feel that anyone needs to look a certain way, or be a certain way, you miss out on all the beauty that reality has to offer. Which isn’t to say you shouldn’t work on improving things you want to improve. Just don’t miss the beauty along the way.

I don’t mean to sound cliche, but the beauty really IS in the flaws. And not because the flaws are beautiful, but because overcoming them is beautiful.

And loving yourself in spite of them is beautiful.

So be gentle with yourself. Silly people WILL say stupid things to you, because that’s what silly people do. If you value your sanity you absolutely CANNOT take those things to heart.

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