How to Eat Half a Bagel

This morning I walked into the office only to be confronted with my greatest nightmare:

Complimentary. Bagels.

At first I stepped around the bagels, cautiously avoiding eye contact with those crusty devils. Fortunately for me, my desk is a long windy path from the kitchen. Unfortunately for me, I had already noticed the generous assortment of shmear.

I needed a small excuse to investigate further. And a small excuse I found.

Despite working a comfortable distance from the bagels, some nameless monster had placed the platter PRECISELY where our horrendous office coffee resides. This coffee is worse than foul; it’s burnt to a crisp. So I knew I was headed into dangerous territory when I found myself suddenly yearning for an innocent cup of absolute sewage.

I approach the kitchen in much the same way a cleaner fish approaches a shark’s mouth. Even before I can see the objects of my desire,  that eu de carbohydrate envelopes me. I immediately hulk out. That sweet perfume is my siren’s call, and some knucklehead forgot to tie me to the ship.

A heavenly hint becomes an olfactory assault. I should mention I work in downtown NY. The bagels here are no joke.

I should have delayed my coffee. I should have held my breath. Maybe I should have skipped work today.

But I had to have one. Or maybe…half! 

The great thing about bagels is this: when it comes to having half a bagel, you have two options.

  1. Cut along the bagel’s horizontal axis, like so:
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conveniently, many free bagels are pre-cut

2. Cut vertically, as follows: 

 

half-a-bagle.jpg
an alternative option to fit your alternative lifestyle

Half a bagel = half the shmear.
…Or double the shmear, since you’re saving all of those calories.

And in case you’re wondering, the answer is yes. I DID forget all about the coffee.

Whoops! ..Guess I’ll just have to make another run 😉

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13 thoughts on “How to Eat Half a Bagel”

  1. I’m converting to Judaism. No way I can only eat just half of a bagel. 😉 Chicago has good ones but NYC…wow. No wonder you just had to get one.

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  3. At home, the best way to eat that half a bagel is to fork toast it over the gas flame on your range top. Electric range? You miss out on one of life’s delicacies. Stick a fork in the half bagel disc, or in the butterfly that that half cut in half makes. Toast both sides over the open flame, charring it but not burning it to a crisp. Slather with your shmear of whatever and enjoy!

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  6. Office environments combined with free food are lethal combinations. When I did some temp work at the beginning of January every day was another box of chocolates that someone had brought from home because of the Christmas overload. 😦

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