I spent 26 years looking for a magic pill to regulate my appetite. I spent the last two years finding quite a few.
Veggies and Fat with Every Meal. Non-negotiable. And yes, this includes breakfast.
Eggs. The best food to ever exit a chicken’s pu**y. Need I say more?
Start Your Diet with a Juice Fast. Good for you? Bad for you? I don’t know. But a few days of juice torture and I promise you this – either you will be dead, or your appetite will be.
Water with Every Meal. I know you know this already. Don’t roll your eyes at me.
Hot Soup with Every Meal. Even in the Summertime. I wanna see you sweat!
Intermittent Fasting. It works for me. Try it.
Never eat carbs alone. Trust me, you won’t stop.
Drive Slow Homie. If you can’t control your appetite, don’t begin a diet and exercise regimen at the same time. First get used to your new eating habits.
FAQ’s
1. What if I want a donut?
You can have one. But only if you eat a large plate of veggies first.
2. What if I want a chicken parm sandwich?
See question one.
3. What do I do if I hate all of your suggestions, and I’d rather be stuck to my couch?
It’s a free world! Do it. Couches are comfortable.
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As I mentioned in my post Willpower and Motivation, a tiny dress can be a great motivator in a world full of donuts and pizza pies.
Today, I’d like to adapt that idea for Summer: Tiny. Fucking. Shorts.
OK, maybe not this tiny.
I’ve been given a very cute pair of hand-me-downs from my roommate:
a size 6 khaki short from American Eagle.
While they do “fit” me now, they are inappropriately tight. No one wants to see ANY SHORTS (let alone khakis) residing that far up the fathomless cavern that I call my ass.
Tiny. Fucking. Shorts. Here we come 🙂
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I weigh my fat self everyday. I measure my fat body parts regularly.
But actually, I’m not much of a tracker.
I don’t:
have great before and after pictures
know exactly how much I’ve lost or exactly when I lost it
I do know:
I’ve lost a lot of weight (currently hovering around 50-60 pounds)
I started in December 2014
I lose most during WARM seasons and maintain during the cold
Progress Through The Seasons
Maybe because I don’t track, I am sometimes surprised by the changes.
Here are two pictures of me and my “friend”, roommate, and co-contributor Valerie. The first was taken March 2015, and the next taken September 2015.
March 2015, road trip! NJ to Tennessee. (I’m the one with the better sneakers)
By this first picture, we had already lost a ton of weight.
I was down about 25-30 ish pounds from my original weight of 188, putting me somewhere in the high 150-ish range.
Val lost weight much faster! (What a bitch!) She started later than me, and by this pic, she was down much more than I was. Incidentally, I happen to think she totally sucks.
Here is the second picture, taken in September 2015. Notice how much Val sucks:
September, 2015. Doing our regular 8 mile walk along the Jersey Shore. (I’m the one with the better face)
I realize these are the worst before/after pictures EVER! Yes. We are wearing sweaters. Yes, we are morons.
It was probably Val’s stupid idea. And I’m sorry. But in any event – I feel as though we look like entirely different people.
The point is – by now I was beginning to feel fit.
And I think Val (the bitch) was beginning to feel the same.
During this period, Val had lost an additional 6 pounds, and I had lost maybe 15.
There was also a lot of muscle gain during this time (we were working out like crazy), so those figures don’t account for additional fat loss.
Two Different Experiences
Because she is a backstabbing ho, Val lost weight consistently throughout her efforts.
But since I, on the other hand, am a good person, I lost it in spurts. And mostly during warm weather.
So even though I lost weight fast, I also spent a lot of time not losing weight at all. Because unlike my so-called friend, I find it intolerable and unpleasant to lose weight when it’s cold. Maybe that’s why Val thinks she’s so much better than me.
Since the Last Photo
We have both lost weight since this period, but not much because we’ve done a lot of toning.
Val has lost 4 additional pounds to date (and gained a ton of muscle). She looks amazing! And I still think she can kiss my ass.
I lost maybe 10 between then and January (most of it in September/October). I then gained 2-3 over the holiday season and on my birthday, then lost it. I’ve stayed the same weight for most of January and February.
In the second photo, I was probably a size 10. Now I am consistently a size 6 or 8. I also have a dimple in my right cheek, and Val doesn’t have any dimples at all.
This was me on New Years 2016 (standing sideways of course!):
New Years Eve, Mexico (137ish pounds?) Never forget to do triangle arms.
Here I am in the mirror yesterday:
138, with a certain monthly visitor
My Ultimate Goal
I don’t know what my ultimate goal is. But I’d love to see how I look and feel in my 120’s.
I have NEVER EVER EVER been in my 120’s. I’m pretty sure my weight at birth was 140 pounds, 3 OZ.
After two months of maintaining – I’m finally beginning to see some nice weather here in New York! So I’ve left maintenance and I’m finally trying to go for this final 10-15 pounds.
Because I’ll work hard, and because I remain confident that I’m an overall better person than Val, I know I’m going to succeed.
Wish me luck!!!
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In the land of picky eating, I once reigned as queen. Processed carbs were my vassals. Flavor, my sworn enemy.
When I tried new foods, it felt like a terrible explosion in my mouth. Sometimes it still does.
My mom told me I’d thrive in jail. “All you need is bread and butter,” she said. Maybe that’s why I became a criminal defense attorney.
What to Do
Try New Foods. Obviously.
I love tomatoes. And I still can’t believe it.
Like most foods, tomatoes were once my enemy. Just the tiniest sliver made my whole mouth feel like it was vibrating. What monster brought these wretched things into being?
One day, I just grabbed a tomato and vowed that I would love it. In fact, I would make love to it. So I started adding tiny bits of tomato to my meals.
I’d put it on my fork, together with other flavors to drown it out. And I did it over and over and over again. I never made myself eat all of the tomato, but I always made myself have at least a little bit.
Now I love tomatoes. Weird. But that’s how our brain works.
2. Start With Iceberg, then Romaine.
I wanted to eat salads, but I could NOT stand greens, let alone dark greens.
I found iceberg lettuce tolerable, but I knew it had zero health value. So what, who cares? Eat it anyway. Soon you’ll move onto romaine, which is a little better. And after that, you’ll move on to darker greens.
When I first started eating salads, I used the following ingredients:
iceberg lettuce
microwavable popcorn chicken (yes, breaded)
hardboiled egg
small amount of shredded mozzarella cheese
croutons or crushed up saltines
small amount of kraft french dressing
Not exactly the picture of health. But it was a step.
Later, I would start using grilled chicken. Then I would add romaine. Eventually I removed the cheese. I added cucumbers. I added a little bit of tomato. Soon, I started mixing in dark greens.
..But not that soon. It probably took a good 6 months. I started with baby spinach. Arugula is good too.
At some point, the croutons were replaced with seeds. All of this happened because I wanted it to. Not because I made myself. I was getting tired of iceberg lettuce, and I wanted more flavor. Trust me, you will too.
3. Do a Several Day Juice Fast
There is a lot of controversy surrounding juice fasts. I won’t get into that here. But I will tell you this. Juice fasts absolutely 100% changed my food preferences for the better.
Once I finished a 10 day juice fast, I craved healthy food. After 10 days of juice, all I wanted was a salad.
Maybe 10 days is extreme. Try 3 days. Or maybe juice is too extreme. Try smoothies. All you need is veggies, fruits, and a blender.
Like juice fasting, a 5:2 diet will help you crave healthier foods. I don’t know why, but it works. Maybe 5:2 isn’t for everyone, I don’t know. For me, it helps regulate appetite. And I was a binger of the highest order.
I don’t actively do 5:2, I just kind of do it naturally. It feels like the right way for me to eat now, and I imagine it will be for a long time.
For more on 5:2 check out “The Fast Diet” by Dr. Michael Mosley. Or, if you don’t want to read a book, check out the BBC Documentary “Eat Fast Live Longer” also featuring Dr. Mosley. It’s free on YouTube.
Share the Wealth
Do you have any tips or experience with regards to healthy eating for picky eaters?
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“Eat dark chocolate,” they say. “It has health benefits,” they say.
But who are these foolbags anyway? And what do they know about my most sensual desires?
Because I DON’T WANT dark chocolate, goddamit. I want milk chocolate. Sweet, crappy, sugary, milk chocolate.
Can’t I have just a little bit?
Must everything I ingest have health value?
Milk Chocolate for Mental Health
For the past two years, I eat at least one milk chocolate truffle every day. I believe it was my roommate (and fellow contributor) Valerie who first commented on my truffle habit. She said eating truffles was “very European” of me.
But I don’t have TIME for Europeans. That’s because I’m too busy eating all of the milk chocolates in the land. Milk chocolate makes me dance and sing. It’s what separates me from animals.
What kind of monster would try to keep me from my chocolate? Who dares deny me one tiny little godforsaken truffle? One is never too much. There’s always room for it. Stop trying to take my small happiness away.
#bestie
I am not sponsored by Lindt Chocolates (if only!).
But I DO prefer Lindt Truffles for two reasons:
7/11 sells them individually, so I NEVER keep chocolate in the apartment; and
They’re good. But they’re not tooooooooooo good. Translation = I can stop eating them (Unlike Twix, M&M’s, Snickers or pretty much any other candy bar.)
alas! a terrible fate has befallen my truffle
Embrace Your Pleasures
Everyone has their guilty pleasures, and I am a strong believer in embracing mine.
Life really is short. And it sucks to deny yourself chocolate over and over again when the reality is that you could be eating some of that chocolate. EVERY DAY.
No – I don’t want to be a fatass. But if and when my time should come, I think I’ll smile at the thought of all the chocolate truffles that I allowed into my life. And then maybe, just maybe, I’ll flash my middle finger at the universe just one last time. As if to say unto the Lord himself, “Fuck you, man. I ate ALL the truffles. And I lost weight anyway.”
(I’m kidding, God. Please don’t kill me.)
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Some people can lose weight and keep it off simply by adopting and maintaining good habits. If you fall into this category, then awesome! Just focus on your habits and you’ll be at your goal soon.
For other people, maintaining good habits is probably not enough. Don’t get me wrong, good habits are KEY. They are the absolute most important factor in determining your fitness outcome.
But if you have developed a negative psychological framework with regards to food, movement, and your own self-image, you are fighting an uphill battle. You can help yourself by becoming mindful of your mental framework and taking steps to improve it.
On Failures and Yo Yo Dieters
“Failures” and “Yo Yo Dieters” are people who believe they just can’t win. Two destructive beliefs are most common:
I am failure at dieting and always will be;
Food will always be a struggle
BITCH, just shut the fuck up. You aren’t a failure at dieting. You’re just a person who failed at dieting. Big fucking deal.
Losing weight is HARD. Even for so called “naturally skinny” people. When your body has fat, it wants to hold on to it. When you don’t eat enough, your body thinks it’s going to die.
Your hot body – it’s the most complicated machine on EARTH. In the known universe even. It’s smarter than your pre-frontal cortex, meaning – it’s smarter than YOU. It doesn’t want you to lose weight. So you’re not a failure. You’ve been fighting an uphill battle and you haven’t done the right tricks.
…Yet!
And also, no, food will NOT always be a struggle. It will only be a struggle for a LITTLE while, during the period it takes to acquire new habits. After that, it will be easy.
Food is only a struggle because you live in a world of processed foods. You don’t eat like a normal human being should eat, you eat foods that were designed to addict you, and you probably hang out with people who relish in bad food. And yet you wonder why you aren’t where you want to be?
The truth is that you’ve developed habits that are not suited towards being thin. You’ve done this in a world that makes bad habits default. In order to break those habits, you might have to experience a little bit of discomfort. So big deal! The discomfort will pass if you stop DIETING and start living a normal healthy lifestyle of a civilized human being.
But What if I am ALWAYS hungry?
I know what you might be thinking now.
But what if you are one of those people who is always hungry and never satisfied? That is 100% how I used to be. You don’t need an appetite suppressant. You need to stuff yourself with veggies all day, and remove addictive foods from your home and life. You don’t have to ever go hungry, and in fact you don’t even have to lose weight within this time. Within a few weeks, your appetite will begin to change. Within 6 months, you will be a completely different human being. I promise you.
So no, you aren’t a failure, and food won’t always be a struggle. It’s all a story in your head. Throw it in the garbage where it belongs. If you find yourself thinking these thoughts, just think about how stupid you’re being. You’re not making any sense!
This is Only the Beginning
To be a fit person, you need to think and act like a fit person would. You need to identify personally as a person who values your body. Here are a few tips.
Develop Good Habits. What you do, you become. Fake it at first, then it will become real. Choose one specific good habit, and just do it every day until it becomes second nature. It won’t take long. Beware:Don’t do too much at once. One habit at a time, and I’d recommend you focus on food rather than exercise. A good example: “from now on, I only eat salad for lunch.”
Get Crap Out of the House. Fit people don’t keep crap in the house, and then complain that they can’t stay in shape. You don’t need bread and pasta, so get rid of it. If you have a craving, then you can go to the store or to a restaurant and deal with it then. Not in the house.
Take a Break from Going Out to Eat with Friends. In most places, it’s hard to make healthy choices while going out to eat. So take a break while you develop good habits. It’s only temporary.
Cut Out Alcohol for a Little While. Alcohol = empty calories. You can go a few weeks without drinking. It also affects your sleep quality, which affects your weight. Cut it out, and let it back in after you begin reaching your goals.
If you’ve put your all into developing good habits, and you’re still a failure or a yo-yo dieter, then hey – you tried your best. And I guess your best wasn’t good enough…
…Or maybe consider that your failure was a lesson in what DOESN’T work. Starving yourself and counting calories might work for some, but it’s not sustainable for everyone. Implementing one healthy habit at a time is a universal path to lasting success.
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File this under: fit girls shouldn’t do this.
And maybe also under: women with self-respect shouldn’t do this.
I’m going to White Castle on Valentine’s Day. If you aren’t already aware, White Castle on Valentine’s Day is kind of a thing. There are menus, waiters, decorations – even music.
I’ve been wanting to do this for at least five years. The only inconvenient fact that stood in my way was that my boyfriends were always normal people. And normal people tend to find the concept of taking their woman to the Castle on V-day a bit too trashy to bear.
But luckily, I now find myself single. Which means I get to have as many Crave Cases as it will take to muffle the sound of my tears.
And believe me, there will be tears.
A Few Concerns
Meat? I don’t normally eat meat. So there is a decent chance that I’ll simply drop dead upon touching the rat-burger to my lips. On the other hand, can you really call White Castle “meat”? Maybe I’ll be OK after all.
Calories. Fast food has calories. Scientists have shown that a case of 30 burgers can have up to thirty times more calories than just eating one single burger. God help me.
Parental Concerns. When your 28 year old daughter is spending Valentine’s day crying and eating a literal suitcase filled with burgers, you have to start wondering what exactly went wrong. I really couldn’t tell you, Mom. I can only tell you that I’m gravely sorry.
And Now I Pose A Question
Do you watch your food intake on Valentine’s Day?
Are you strict at all? Slightly strict?
Do any of you sexy people just say “fuck it” and take the night off?
And while we’re on the subject, do any of you eat fast food occasionally?
TALK TO ME I’M SO LONELY!!
Much Love ❤
XOXO
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This is part one of a four part blog post on my overarching theory of everything.
Here it goes!
There are three pillars of fitness. Each pillar is distinct, but they interact. A weakness in one can (and probably will) infect the others over time.
In this post, I will generally describe the three pillars approach. In the next three posts, I’ll go into each pillar separately.
The Three Pillars
The Psychological;
The Physical; and
The Habitual
“The Psychological”refers to your existing mental framework with regards to food, movement, body image, and self-esteem in general. When you don’t identify as a member of a certain group (in this case, “fit people”), you are far less likely to take actions consistent with belonging to that group.
“The Physical” refers to forces that are generally either outside of your conscious control, or at the very least which exist at the periphery of your conscious control. These include “mechanical” or “chemical” forces that keep you heavy – anything from hormones, metabolic state, genetic predispositions, state of your microbiome, etc. For most people, physical barriers can be easily corrected. This will put you in optimal state to achieve a healthy weight.
“The Habitual” refers to your automatic or “default” behaviors. This is the most important pillar of all, and also the toughest to fix. But have faith!! Science has given us proven methods to replace bad habits with more constructive behaviors. Even in the absence of willpower.
The Purpose of this Framework
There is no objective truth to this particular framework. Rather, the three pillar approach is meant as an aid – to help you identify specific problems, so that you can work specifically on those problems, rather than wasting your time on problems you don’t have.
Within each of the three pillars, you can look for research based methods to take the exact steps you need to address your particular issues.
This framework recognizes that there is NO one size fits all approach to maintaining a healthy weight. That’s because people’s pillars are not weak in the same places.
An Illustration
If you’re overweight – consider:
how did you become overweight in the first place?
Were you overweight as child? If so, you likely have barriers in all three pillars.
Psychological – It’s likely that your own mental representation of yourself does not include thinness. It just isn’t who you are. Because you don’t see yourself as a “fit person” your brain is making thousands of subconscious choices each day that are different than the choices that a person who sees themselves as fit would make.
Physical – You likely have physical dependencies on certain foods or feeding behaviors, which go above and beyond mere habits. These may be largely the result of metabolic syndrome, or the beginnings or it.
Habitual – Whatever habits that led you to become overweight at such a young age are deeply engrained. You haven’t successfully replaced your default behavior to more closely resemble that of a fit person.
Did you become overweight simply from bad habits? On the other hand – you might have acquired bad habits with age. In this case, you may STILL have problems in each pillar but those problems are different. Some examples include:
Psychological
Maybe your framework around food is perfectly healthy -you’ve just fallen on bad habits. In this case, addressing the habits will be sufficient to address your fitness problems. Or maybe those bad habits are beginning to affect your self-esteem. A third possibility is that you were never psychologically healthy to begin with, but only now are the results catching up with you.
In the second two cases, you need to deal with your mental framework in order to achieve lasting results.
Physical
Maybe you have physical dependencies on food, and maybe you don’t.
If you’ve been eating poorly, it’s likely that a host of changes in your body have occurred – to your hormones, in your blood, and to your gut flora. These physical changes may make it more difficult for your to lose weight.
Habitual
You could have fine psychological and physical health, and yet still become unfit over time. Poor habits tend to accumulate.
Luckily, this is an area rife with hacks and psychological tricks to improve your outcomes.
The Fix
Luckily, each of these pillars can be strengthened.
In terms of ease of change I’d rank them as follows (from easiest to toughest).
1. Physical
2. Psychological
3. Habitual
You also DON’T need three PERFECT pillars to achieve results. You simply need to begin making improvements where they are most needed. Where you make improvements will depend not only on the severity of the problem, but also on the importance of the pillar.
In terms of importance, I’d rank them as follows (from most important to least important).
Habitual
Physical
Psychological
The cool thing is this. Just as problems in one pillar can begin to affect the integrity of the others, so can solutions for one pillar improve the health of the others.
In Part Two of this post I will discuss the Psychological Pillar, including concrete tactics you can use to create healthier mental associations with food and movement.
Oprah loves bread and I love Oprah. So whats the problem?
The 12 Million Dollar Tweet
Back in January, the internet was abuzz with Oprah’s 12 million dollar tweet. In all fairness, the tweet didcontaina 30 second video. And also, in all fairness, the video was about losing 26 pounds. Hard? Yes. $12 million dollars hard? Maybe. Especially when you consider the fact that she did it all while eating bread.
The Oprah Effect
Now, experts are beginning to look at Weight Watcher’s stock for the “Oprah Effect.” And indeed, it appears that Oprah’s recent involvement is starting to pay off.
Carbs are the Devil
I think capitalism is the best. And I think Oprah is the best. But I can’t help but wonder whether it’s time for companies like Weight Watchers to do more to change the story about carbs.
I get it. It’s all about low-carbs these days. Weight Watchers, which has been struggling recently, is trying to generate PR by taking an active stand against the recent “establishment trend” of a lower carb approach. It’s Goliath posing as David, and right now it works.
But here is the thing – people, in general, are misinformed about EVERYTHING when it comes to nutrition. Our science is bad, our information is bad, and I would pose that our entire approach is misguided.
Is it ok to eat a few carbs? Sure. Everything is ok. But it’s time to stop pitting fads against fads. We need to just get closer to whole foods.
Weight Watchers May be OK, But it Probably Isn’t
I’ve done Weight Watchers before. In the late 90’s. In the 2000’s. In the 2010’s.
I’ve tried all their various formulations. Many times. Who hasn’t?
Weight Watchers does some good. Last time I checked, veggies were unlimited. And I like that. There is a focus on physical activity as well. Great. Maybe Weight Watchers is just what some people need.
But in the end, it didn’t work for me. Sure, it “worked” in some sense. But it didn’t WORK. Not in that deep way that changes how you approach nutrition. And that’s because in the end, it was about counting and restriction. And that is not a satisfying lifestyle for most people.
Another problem is the focus on processed foods. I don’t care how much I count, if I’m eating processed foods, I am never satisfied. It’s just not how people are meant to eat.
Most People Who Do Weight Watchers Regain the Weight
So I’m sure this is true with any diet. Which is exactly why it’s best to avoid weight gain in the first place, by keeping a healthy metabolic state and living on what we were meant to live on – whole foods.
What I find slightly suspect is this statement from a former Weight Watchers business plan from 2001. The plan emphasizes that its participants “demonstrated a consistent pattern of repeat enrollment over a number of years.” The average person would sign up for an average of FOUR separate program cycles. Furthermore, in a documentary called “The Men Who Made Us Thin,” former CFO Richard Samber explained that the business was successful for this very reason. The majority of customers regained the weight they lost.
But Maybe Weight Watchers is What Works for You
I don’t want to be overly critical of Weight Watchers. Losing weight is hard. Sometimes it takes a few tries, and often it never works out at all. Maybe WW is the right thing for you.
But I do want to make one point. Part of the reason that losing weight is so hard is because there are so many factors stacked against you.
In order to lose weight, you need to be strong not only in the face of physical temptation, but also culturaland family pressures. And that’s not all. You also need to be strong in the face of actual misinformation. You need to make smart choices in a world where choices are so often limited to processed foods.
So when Weight Watchers celebrates bread and pasta – some of today’s biggest modern culprits, it’s not really about carbs.
Because sure, a little bread is fine. But what’s not fine is their message. That, in a world of processed foods, it’s preferable to lose weight by restricting calories and focusing on portion control, rather than cutting out food groups that are especially addicting to overweight people. (Keep in mind I use the term “cutting out,” liberally, as if to say cutting out on the vast majority of days.)
The surest approach to maintaining a healthy weight is to fundamentally alter your understanding of what good nutrition means. It means, for the most part, eating food that comes from the earth. And I think the higher ups at Weight Watchers know that.
Of course, you CAN take a whole foods based approach while on the Weight Watchers plan. But that’s besides the point. If you eat whole foods that come from the earth, you don’t need to count anything. Whole foods make you full. It’s only processed foods that make it this way.
So even though Weight Watchers can technically be done the right way, I suspect that many more people are gingerly enjoying their carefully counted bread and pasta servings each day.
Bread every day is, after all, Oprah’s selling point. And I think it’s an irresponsible one.
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